Sunday, May 01, 2005

Reading back through some of the archives on this space, I realized that somewhere along the line, I sort of stopped getting personal. Stopped, in favor of light and quippy. Complaining about tall people and saran wrap is much easier than trying to really speak.

So here's a personal bit, internet. I broke up with my boy.


I think the boy and I wondered that, too. Like we were both waiting for some lightning bolt reason that it wasn't going to work out. But some times things don't work out, just because they don't. Because of a hundred different flaws, a hundred small fissures, a tiny error in the initial equation, and things fall apart, it doesn't solve.

There is grace in each of us. My grace this week is to have had a boy who loved me the way this one did. Who melted my heart in a dozen different ways, and whose smile on the other side of an open door meant comfort and a place to rest. For this girl, who has been moving and reaching and wanting from the day she could tie her shoes, this boy was the boy who had her stop. Stop, and look. And see that it isn't just about what's next, it's about what there is in front of you. The people you love, and who love you--now, in this moment--the things you are doing, the place you are. This moment is what you have. And it is in what you have that happines lies.

When things aren't right, and you make them right, you think the rightness will be a relief, a valve released. But you turn the knob, and sorrow floods in. Not regretful sorrow, but the sorrow of the hopes you had, the way you were before you knew that there would be an end. You say the words, "It's over," and there you are, on the other side of the end, looking back on the warm and light place that was.

You want to walk back. You ache. But instead you turn around, and walk towards the yet unseen but still hoped-for places ahead.

posted by m at 10:41 PM

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