Monday, April 26, 2004

in the face of things changing

I met E in college, it was the sort of head-spinning friendship that (along with many particularly gross species of shower fugus) only a freshman dorm can grow. We got our first D's together, got drunk for the first time together, explored the excruciating thrill of first loves and crushing madness of first break-ups together, and then painted our toes violet. Maybe it wasn't anything that special. But it was special to us.

Since then, E has been my E. She's the one I love best, and that's all there is to it. Of all the versions in my head of the way my life works out, there's still one that takes place in a small house outside Honolulu with me and E and a whole pack of happy dogs.

It's eight months today since E left:

E and I spent most of the afternoon hauling her stuff around town--boxes to my grandma's garage, furniture to her brother's house... Later that night, as I let her off at her boxed and empty apartment and drove away, there was this little knife twist of sadness in the pit of my stomach... Like, is this really it? I can still feel it there--this little lump of mixed feelings and fear in the face of things changing.

Doctorboy says it would be weirder if i weren't so sad that E is leaving. I suppose he's right. I keep telling myself that this is only temporary, that we'll see each other all the time, that we can e-mail and phone and visit, that she'll be coming back to L.A. eventually anyway. All of which are true. but I can't help feeling a little like this is the end of Things As They Are. The space and place in time where we were here together and everything was this way. It's like that guy said when we allmoved out of the dorms, "You know, it'll never be quite this way again." It was true.


(paper and pen journal, 8/03)

It never has been quite that way again.

posted by m at 8:02 PM



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